Last night's tv...

Continuing with the theme of not getting off my fat arse due to manflu, I spent last night sprawled on the sofa glued to the idiot box.

Slightly sickening was watching the progress of rich bitch Stephanie Clark and her lapdog husband Dominic searching for properties in Relocation, Relocation.

Steph, with her irritatingly gauche penchant for Ralph Lauren neckscarves and ickle baby jumpers, even out poshed uber-tory Kirstie Allsopp.

Steph's bizarre requirements for a period property with period features but with clean lines(?) and smooth walls, led to a brilliant bread analogy by Kirstie, which went something like: if you want granary bread, you accept that it has bits in it, if you don't want bits, you have to have white bread...genius.

Actually I do have a little soft spot for Kirstie, which I think mainly stems from the fact we're roughly the same dress size.

I drew a little comfort from the fact that, despite an obscene wealth at such a young age and obnoxiousness oozing from every pore, the Clarks settled on a hideous roadside bungalow, "because it has acreage" daarling. No dear, it has ACRE, singular, not ACREAGE!

Unsurprisingly, the pair had managed to concieve for the second time, re-inforcing Green Day's theory that "only stupid people are breeding".


I then flicked over to ITV's "Superhuman: the world's smallest people". I don't know what I was expecting from this programme, perhaps if I'm brutally honest, maybe a little bit of comedy gold...I know, I'm going to hell. However, some of these people were seriously inspirational. Particularly Tanylalee, a 3ft comedienne working the Las Vegas comedy circuit. Her self-evasive quip "check out the tits on this five year old" had the audience in hysterics. She'd even managed to get herself a Husband ("We're all the same size lying down") and they were due to celebrate their 10th anniversary. Cue, tear to my eye.

The cameras also followed 19 year old He Ping Ping from Inner Mongolia, who at 2'5" is the world's smallest person. His family had obviously read the Lynne Spears' Guide to Parenting, and were trying to cash in on his tenuous claim to fame.

I think my absolute favourite little person was Michael, Britain's smallest man. Who despite his diminuative frame, had a full sized wife and child, full time job and a nack for pub snooker. He touched my heart by giving his wife a necklace on their anniversary. I didn't much like the necklace, and I don't think she did either, but he was really pleased with himself. Just like any other bloke in Britain would be. Bless.

However the shizniz of the dwarf world are obviously the competitors in the Dwarf Athletics Association Games. Fully proportional, with deep voices and buckets of ambition, these little dudes were competing to be "the fastest little person on the planet", which I imagine is quite a good pick up line in a dwarf club? Or maybe not...